Not a Joke

Every new month I struggle with negative thoughts. As some of you know, I had an eating disorder (ED-NOS) for roughly a decade, and the effects are ever-lasting. That mantra of “a new month, new you” wreaks havoc on my brain. I think that that gives me a pass to eat whatever I want on the last day of a month and to start fresh on the first day of a new month, like today. But that instantly leads/translates to thoughts like, “Eat as little as you can,” to start off a new month with a bang, which is still disordered and downright impossible. I used to go hours, sometimes days without eating, but I just can’t do that anymore—nor should I! I’m the epitome of getting “hangry” if I’ve gone too long without eating. I get anxious, grumpy, and short-tempered.

I’ve been listening a lot to the Run, Selfie, Repeat podcast lately, and the mantra that comes across in nearly every episode encompasses the word strong. So I think my thoughts should be “strong and lean” for this month. What do you think? Can those two descriptions live in the same head space?
As a runner, I have a chance of improving my pace a bit if I’m at a more optimal weight, so ideally I’d like to drop ~10 pounds. But I also want to do it the right/smart way, and in a way that my daughter can understand as Mommy becoming strong and not deprivating.
I want to be a good role model to the Angry Toddler, but I also want to feel comfortable in my own skin. It’s a never-ending battle. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you make yourself a positive role model for your children!
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2 thoughts on “Not a Joke

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